Itchy Itchy.

I want to get this out of the way. By "this" I mean Chris. Tuesday night he left me for good. I cried for about two hours, and then talked to my friend Cherish for about 4 hours...it doesn't seem like that, and I doubt she knows it was that long, but now that I count it....wow. She really cheered me up. When I say cried I mean I bawled. I sounded like I was choking. My throat was hurting all the next day, as well as my face. Also: my eyes burned. After the phone with Cherish, I took a shower and read old letters he wrote me, so I cried for about another hour. Wednesday morning I cried on the way of school. I was relatively cheery. I tried to put of the best face possible. I've been pretty happy since he dumped me really...but in a more "calm" way. I'm not happy, I'm just numb. He broke my heart into a thousand pieces. It wasn't that he broke up with me, it was the way he did it. He was so mean about it. He was cruel and hurtful. When I tried to talk to him he told I was stupid, ridiculous, and that he couldn't do "this" and he just stopped talking to me. That's when Cherish called and etc. Cherish showed me some things he said to her and he sort of made fun of me for being "over-reactive". I was so angry with him. I gave all his letters to Cherish to do with whatever she sees fit. Also, I tore up all the pretty doodles he made me and through away any object from him I have. Like bracelets, etc. So all I have left is an envelope and a school picture. Nice. I'm still so angry with him. Wednesday afternoon, he talked to me. He probably only did it cause I apparently trying to make him jealous...which is untrue. He basically said he was sorry, hurt, missing me, that he loved me, etc. and also that he was stupid. I basically wished him good luck in the future and we're now "just friends". He's making it hard though. He keeps mentioning he still wants me, loves me, etc. He can't tell me these things!! It hurts. He's sending me mixed messages and not to mention he's like just suddenly all caring and kind again...you know? It's bullshit. I don't know what to think. Does he want me back? I hope he does. I'm in love with him still. I want him bad. 

I figure that if he does want me back, love me still, he should have to ask me. I'm not going to beg him to be with me. I should have to take him back. He left me. 

If he doesn't want me that's fine...I'll just slowly get over him I guess, right?

I feel really lonely and calm lately.

Gabe.

Gabe is this 18yo drop out boy I've been friends with for a long time. We have odd history. He basically chased me around for a half a year until I put a stop to that shit...and now he's doing it all over againXD I kinda like it, actually. He's just a really good guy. A really good friend. He just got a new tattoo. It's a tiny pair of scissors the size of a penny. It's cute. It's sorta between his hip and belly button, but much lower....lol.

Not on his cock. God, you guys.

I just hope Gabe knows I don't want him like that.

I've made a lot of gay guy friends this past week. I've just been looking for advice.

I got A's and B's in Chemistry and Algebra things this week. Which is great. I've been studying lots to get my mind off of Christopher...

This girl randomly came up to me and interrupted my conversation to say "You scared me". I don't even know this hoe, I don't think I've ever talked to her so I turned around and said "Then don't talk to me. Fuck Off. I'm sure she said shit, but I was ignoring her and smiling at Cherish and nodding to reassure her I did in fact know who Robert is. Schayla's face was like "Oh sheeet"<3

In softball, I hit some kid in the face while he slid to second base. I'm good at the base, and I got him out..but his teeth bled. Ahaha.

I can't wait till July.

GAGA<3

BY THE WAY GUESS WHAT!?

LADY GAGA SAW MY PICTURE.

So you know how I used to model?

Where there's this website that one of my pictures my friend submitted to. It was a lightning bolt one, under the eye? A different one from what you saw. I didn't know until they said she twittered a collection of 50 pictures<3. The website is called "GaGaloo" or something like that.

It's a big deal for me.

I'm starting to get that familiar itch for some new metal. And by that I mean piercings. Not many people know this, but I've had both eyebrows pierced, my lip, each ear, my belly button, and the cartilage of my ear which is my industrial. I currently only have the industrial but I have the hole to the belly button piercing....well, half of it. If you don't know what an industrial ear piercing is look it the fuck up nigger. My current aspiration is the spider bit. It's a lip piercing. Two, side by side, on either side of your mouth. I want it soooo bad.


I'm planning on going to After-prom tomorrow night from 11pm to 4 or 6 am. It's a party...after...the prom...hence the name "After-prom" lol. We got these gay shirts that are blue and green. I was like "Our colors): (Chris and I's) and Olivia is just like "Bummer". It's 5 sizes too huge so I'm telling fatties to ask for the petite...bitches. I'm supposed to hang out with Cherish before the "party" tomorrow. But we'll just see how that goes. And Sunday I'm going somewhere with Gabe. He won't tell me where. Oh and this faggot named Adam wants to hang at the mall tomorrow....He's a cool kid, I've told him I'm not interested. He's actually a nice guy, k? But is it wrong I'd be embarrassed to be seen with him?

LINDSAY TRACKER 2000. 

I wish Lindsay would put the pipe down & get back to the ginger she was.

Anyways, I fucking hate Taco Bell. It's like Americanized shitty Mexican food. Who needs THAT? I mean: Fuck. 

 They should update the 'TACO BELL' name to 'SLOW ASSES MAKING FOOD. WAIT FOR 200 YEARS SO WE CAN MAKE YOUR ORDER WRONG'.

The Ugly Betty show ended. I lived for that show. I will love you forever BETTY<3

But in all seriousness,

I really do miss Chris, you guys.

 I miss just really talking to him about everything, or laughing over jokes our friends told us to share. I even miss the more embarrassing things: Like jerking off with him at night or day dreaming of a baby we could have in 10 years...We were going to name him Kyler.

Is it wrong I'd still make Chris cum if he asked me to? 

Maybe I should just shut my mouth and get back in the fucking bubbles.

</3

 *Sigh*

 

WHORES, I want comments.

I know this is a lot sooner than my usual "updates"...actually, I don't do usual updates...you know, they're not regularly posted...but whatever. I'm doing this weeks really early, you know....ON A TUESDAY. And I'll probably do one Saturday. That said, let's go bitches.

This weekend was super fun to say the least. I spent a lot of time goofing off with my mom at home, and then I went and saw that "The Last Song" movie with Olivia which was really good. Like I thought it was going to be a chick flick...but it was orgasmic. It wasn't even really about some gushy summer romance. It was about a...rebellious 1% emo Miley Cyrus fighting with her father about some divorce and him ending up with something called cancer and dying....I probably should have said spoiler alert before I said all this. Whatever bitches.

I haven't been getting comments on my blog and it bothers me.

COMMENT.

Did I mention yesterday that I had a huge fight with Chris about nothing and he left me? Well, it was about something....but I'm not exactly sure what. All I remember is sending him a couple of messages about how I missed him, and all of a sudden he said something along the lines of "This is ridiculous! I can't have fun without being the bad guy!" Which I didn't understand until i realized some girl sent him some message about how I was sooooooooo pissed at him and was wanting to break up with him and depressed that he wouldn't talk to me. This is all relatively true...and by that I mean I simply told her "I miss him a lot". Listen people, don't ever let anyone butt their noses into your relationships. I guess it's my fault, because I like to show my thing with Chris off....I liked to show what I had with Chris off. I was proud of it...still am. Ugh. Well the only thing I can think of is either that he thinks I'm a clingy obsessive weirdo, or that he wanted to break up with me before I dumped him. I was never going to break up with him....I didn't even say that. Chris basically went on saying that "It's what I wanted" and "I should be happy now" or something like that. Not a direct quote...and the girl who was somehow in all this told me that he said that his life doesn't revolve around me, he has friends, I'm not so important, I'm too obsessed and stupid, and that I need to get over myself and grow up. I didn't think Chris would say those things but.......God.

And then he told me directly that we were taking a break for a week, and I begged him to just take me bag, but it's still a week break...from us.

I'm not exactly sure if he dumped me, or is taking a break from me.

It hurt. Everything hurt. I haven't cried though since about 7 this morning...which is good. I cried all Sunday night and Monday morning...and I cried all yesterday morning and night. It's actually pretty easy to keep it together at school, unless it's really quiet. I didn't fall asleep until 2am last night. I couldn't. I can't get my mind off him. I miss him so much. I love him...and I'm in love with him. I just want to be with him so much.

I just want to be with him so much.

There in lies the problem. Because I have nothing else to go on, I figure I overwhelmed him. I loved him too much I think. I don't know. I probably came off as obsessive and clingy and too fucking attached. Cherish says I should give myself some credit, and that I'm allowed to be that attached because it's been eleven fucking months....it was eleven fucking months..or is. I don't know. I began thinking that I couldn't POSSIBLY be obsessive and clingy but then I thought "You always bug him to talk...and you always bug him to see you." Of course I'm too clingy, you guys. I freaked the love of my life out and now he doesn't want me. Or at least it doesn't feel like it. Yuh know, I just realized that I really am an obsessive person...and I guess it has a lot to do with everything I've been through. It's rare that I find people who I love for them and I love them back. You know, friends..best friends. When I meet someone I absolutely have a great connection with I strive for success with them. I try my hardest to make them like me, and to be important in their lives because I can't stand disapproval. I crave their attention and I don't want them to leave me. I've been left in the dust a lot...I do the exact same thing with my friends that I did to Chris. Cherish is a perfect ex amply. I'm always upset with her cause I obsess over her. I think "She likes me. Okay, I need to be her best friend and make her love me". And then I get pissed when she can't place all her time and attention on me. I think I was a lot worse with Chris because he actually noticed it. It makes sense. I can't be there in person with him, and so I tried my hardest to keep him through the keyboard and phone. There was no other way to keep....us....to me and his loving of me that I saw other than talking to him alllll the time. It was my fucking fear of losing him and so I obsessed over him. "I love this kid so much and he loves me too..I need to talk to him....I need to talk to him again". That's how I thought, I guess...and look where it got me?

When he dumped me I acted like a baby...I cried and cried. It wasn't just crying. I was losing it. You have no idea......I just love him so much. I even kicked a dresser and no, I didn't break my foot, but I broke two toes.

I'm never going to get over him, and if I do it will take a long time..

I probably shouldn't have said all that because if he reads it I'll just sound even more obsessive and freaky and he'll probably never talk to me again. I lost the boy of my dreams and I think he broke my heart. I guess it isn't entirely broken, because of the week thing...but it's there in my chest, beating despair into my body....It's shattered and held together by the brown scabs of hope. I sound stupid...but it's so true.

I once asked him if we could be friends if we ever broke up. He told me "Yes, but I know in my heart that we'll always be more than that."

Yeah......so um....anyways...

I just took a Chemistry test and I think I flunked it. I also just took an Algebra one and think I got an A+ on it. You know, studying is a great distraction from..whatever is going on in your life. 

I'm really tired and I want to go to sleep, but they say not to go to sleep when you're upset (I'm crying) because it leads to depression. I'm already taking drugs for that so touché, niggers.

I have a Spanish project to do but I'm really not in the mood. I have to make some kid of prohibiting sign. Like "No smoking, No fishing, etc." In Spanish. I'm doing "Se prohibe románico malo." Which basically means "No Bad Romance!" AHAHAHAHA<3 Yeah. I went there. Idk what my actual sign will look like. Maybe I'll post a picture of it later. 

SPIT.

Spit smells very odd. Gabe drove me home today and on the way, I put my hand over his mouth cause he was singing horribly. He was like "Just cause you've been all emo Bella Swan cause of Chrissypoo doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself." He is a horrible singer, and he wants me. He licked my hands and for some reason I smelt it. Gross.

Also, I bought Chris a ring....yeah. For our twelve months. I don't want to look at it. I'm not sure what to do with it? Do I return it? Can you return jewelry? It wasn't that expensive. Gabe went and bought it with my money. He says that he thinks you can sell it back for a lower price only...which is so gay...Idk...

I'm going to go see the black eyed peas too, not just GaGa. I'm excited, but I'm going with Gabe and his friend. I don't like Gabe's friend. You see, Gabe is a "masculine faggot"...you'd never guess he was gay. He's like 18 and muscular and sooooooooooo...stuck up but it's hilarious. Anyways, he tries to act macho in front of his friends. He once poured soda on me to show off. I almost punched him..

YOU GUYS.

I NEED ADVICE, FOLLOWERS, AND COMMENTS.

I'm still not ready to go back into the bubbles though. My bubble world. You know, my perception is what got me in this stupid fucking mess.............

Chris, I love you.

And Cherish, I'm sorry I'm a weird friend.

If you guys are reading this, that is......

Rah Rah Ah Ah Ah Roma Romama GaGa Oolala Wantcho bad romance<3