I have a confession...

I'm a bitch.

Okay? I fucking know that.

I don't need douches like you telling me that.

I tend to be a bitch. YAY.

Once again, you have to listen to a song while you read my blog. Okay? It was going to be "I get crazy" by Nicki Minaj but I decided against it.

 So instead listen to this new song by Kelis. It's very futuristic and gay-dance-ish. Like it sounds like a song one of those fags dance to in gay clubs? Yeah....And yes I do mean Kelis, as in, the "My milkshake" girl.

Enjoy.

 Push play and listen, and read on(:

So last night, well, yesterday...Gabe came home! AH! He came over to my house since my parents were out and we made out, dry humped, and watched Glee. It was kind of a boring episode. Besides the funk song at the end...anyways....

We then went to his sister's house where she was having everyone meet, and then we went out into the woods and had a bonfire.

It was super fun. We made smores and such and hot dogs. We were singing songs too. And we played a bunch of stupid games. Sort of like truth or dare. Warnie and his fiance Debbie were there. I call her Deborah cause I know it gets on her nerves. And Kate (Gabe's sister) was there of course. And then Gabe and I!

Speaking of Kelis, Gabe and I were dirty dancing to that song. You know, "Milkshake"? It was super...niceXD

But I sort of got pissed cause they were all drinking a lot. Gabe's only 19, but the rest are over 21. So they were all getting wasted. Gabe was the worst. I was sitting on his lap and he started rubbing me...you know, THERE. And he was like "I'm gonna fuck you so hard Caylib. God, soooo hard." 

And I was like "You cuss when you're drunk, apparently."

"You know you like it, bitch. Want me to talk dirty to you?" And he did. It was making me really uncomfortable. Like he wasn't being quiet.

Saying shit like "I haven't cum in like two weeks. I can't wait to get in your pants. I'm gonna fuck your brains out. Do you so hard....I want your cock..I wanna suck it, stick it my mouth." And everyone heard him. I just got embarrassed. And then he gave me lap dance and was grinding himself on me. I was blushing so bad. I mean, I liked it!!!...but I was just uncomfortable. And then when we were all going to sleep (camping) he was trying to get me to sleep with him. He was behind me and was like grinding against me butt. And he kept trying to stick his hands in my pants. And then he got on top of me and kept trying to take my shirt off. We didn't do anything, I got him to stop..but it just pissed me off!

I didn't know he'd be so aggressive when he's drunk.

So they dropped me off this morning, and then later Gabe brought me flowers(:

They were purple.

I love them. And he was like "Sorry I was being such a douchey horn dog last night." He took me out to lunch which was great. And he kept trying to feed me this yucky smoothy. He's adorable. And then he kissed me, but this time it was different. Normally I don't feel anything but I did this time..

I really miss my friends! I'm sick of not seeing them. All of them are on vacation or in some sort of camp. It's stupid. Cherish is gonna be home soon! I hope:P

I really wanna meet GaGa and Beyonce...like, so bad.

So my summer has actually been great so far. I've spent my days laughing with my brother and sister, watching cheesy movies and sitting in the bathtub with our swim-suits on while eating watermelon. And then at night I spend my time with Kate, Warnie, And Debbie (and more) laying in the back of a truck while looking out at the stars and sipping cheap wine that tastes sour. And now Gabe is back and it's going to get amazingly better.

I don't know what it is about him. He's just such a gentlemen? You know, when he's not wasted.

I remember a while ago when I was doing a "week" thing. Like song of the week, picture, video, whatever.

So I'm gonna start that back up now bitches.

So the song of the week is, of course, that "22nd century" song by Kelis...which you should be listening to right now if it's not finished! And if you didn't even give it a chance, shame on you.

So this weeks video is the Alejandro sneak-peak.

It actually scared me sort of. It just seems satanic. And now everybody is up ina hype cause it seems like she's a Hitler-lover. Lol.

This weeks picture is, uh, This weird frog picture I saw on DA that is AMAZING.

And this weeks free mp3 is called "Sexy Ugly".

I really miss my blog entries having depth, like the first one's did. You know, a point or message? 

So here we go.

Love yourself. What are you? Stupid? Who cares if some bitch doesn't think you're amazing. You are to someone else, right? It doesn't matter if you're not pretty, or skinny, or if you're too skinny. All that matters is that you can look in the goddamn mirror and say "I don't just love myself..I'm crazy about myself". Listen bitches: Be yourself, don't take shit from anyone, and never let them take you alive.

Also: Follow your fucking dreams! Even Lady GaGa started off as a greasy brunette sitting in a diner bored as hell.

See?

I'm not baaaad..I just sound that waaay(;

The title has to be my favorite quote from a Lady GaGa song ever. It's called Ribbons. It's unreleased, a demo.

So therefore, it's the song of the week!

Push play, you have to listen to it while you read my blog(:

K?K.

Mom isn't so...excited about me getting green hair anymore, since she realized I'm serious. But my friend's mother is going to do it for $10 at her salon. I get a discount of like 40 bucks cause her mom loves me and my gossip.

What I really want is red hair, or to be a natural blonde...a fake natural blonde. Kind of like my friend Cherish's hair. It's just gorgeous. She's just gorgeous.

I miss all my friends. I haven't hung out with any of my friends yet this summer. I've only been going out with Gabe's sister and her friends. I love them. 

Do you know who Zak is?

She was the, uh, Indian girl who took pictures of me?

Well no more!

Now I have her friend...x-friend...Warnie. His real name is Warren. He's so hot and I want him, but he's engaged to a girl and like 21. 

He took pictures of me...naked....for...his portfolio. It was about "death" or something. I'm going to be honest, he's a really bad photographer but I do love this one picture.

Risky Picture...Click

Summer is going to be fun, I just know it!

I'm so sick of men thinking that just because I'm gay that makes me any less of a guy then them. I fuck a guy so fucking what? I like cars, I like sports. As long as I have a goddamn dick between my legs I'm a man. That's such bullshit. I'm not a lesser person just cause I prefer other guys. I mean, FUCK.

There's some drama in the ole love life. OR, there was.

A few days ago, Chris read my blog and basically said he loved me, etc. I guess I'm lying if I say I don't have feelings for him...I just hate when he does that, because it gets my hopes up and then the next day it's back like it was. We're just friends, and he doesn't like me. He got pissed at me cause i told him we should just be friends. He said that if I love and want him more than Gabe, which is true, why am I with him? I want to be with Chris so much. And I know it would piss my friends off and Gabe, but still. So then Chris said his new bf broke up with him. And because of all the things he told me, how he wants me, etc, I dumped Gabe and what do you know? Chris doesn't want me. And so I'm back with Gabe. I didn't tell Gabe I dumped him for Chris, but over something his sister said. Which is sorta true, I guess.

I think Chris just gets jealous of Gabe and tries to get me to dump him. I love Chris. I don't know why. I'm not in love with him anymore. But I do care about him deeply. I value him more than Gabe. Maybe that's why he wanted me to dump Gabe? Or acted like it...cause I don't really care about Gabe? He's just there.

What really pisses me off is that Chris, when he broke up with me, told me that he just didn't want a relationship right now. Which makes me mad, cause then I find out he is dating someone later. Wtf? He just didn't want a relationship with me. And that hurts....

I miss Chris.

I miss Gabe, too. At least Gabe will be back. He's coming back on the 1st and for the first time, I honestly can't wait. I need him..I need someone. I think I love Gabe. I think about him all the time. And every night he calls me to say goodnight. It goes something like this.

"Hello?"

"Hiiiiii"

"GABE:D"

"Duh...Cayluuuuub"

"Ehehe(: ..Gaaabe"

"I love you, boy"

"I know"

"I hope you get an amazing sleep, and I hope that you get wet dreams over me. Really. Raawr"

I really want blonde hair. It's killing me.

I've also decided I want to go to college in Southern California cause there are loads of gay people there. And Gabe is talking about transferring there for his last two years of college. Also, If I still have feelings for Chris I don't think I could go to Chicago if he does. But I doubt he will since it's far away from his home. Cherish is supposed to go to Chicago though.

Did you listen to that Ribbons song?

It's about putting on condoms!

 Practicing safe sex(:

Isn't that clever?

Watch as I analyze the lyrics(:

We like black, white, big striped,
Polka-dotted cafe latte presents

 Come in many sizes wrap it up in ribbons. <DIFFERENT SIZED PENISES OH SNAP PUT ON A RUBBER.

OKAY,

SO,

What do you think of that photo?
THE NUDE?

Summer is here(:

I know spring is supposed to be all about the rebirth of life, and beauty and of the Earth but...I guess this year it's not-for me. This time around it's summer.

I'm starting over new this summer. I know I've been talking about that for a little while, but I'm serious.

I'm changing.

Only the stupidest of men never change.

My finals were this week, and now that my sophomore school year is over I'm sort of bummed. I didn't get the best of grades. Well, I did...but not in one class. I truly tried hard in that class, and my parents don't think so. I'm not being allowed to go to the concerts I want to this year, including GaGa, the Black Eyed Peas, 3OH!3, Ke$ha, and LMFAO.

I need to do better next year, and not just get serious with school towards the end. Right? Right.

It's going to be my junior year, and I was going to try to graduate early but I don't think so anymore. So this summer, I want to do what I want. I don't want to sit around and mope, or go places with people I hate. 

I realized I have a lot more friends than I thought. I originally want only a few people to sign my yearbook, but now I have a lot of signatures. Like...a lot. Especially after yesterday.

I'm a likable good guy.

I also know I'm an asshole who's hard to get along with at the same time. While going through that said yearbook, I realized I have negative feelings towards a lot of people. I think I put to much pressure on other people's appearances because I feel like they do the same to me. I mean, feeling good starts with looking good...And I don't look good. Why should I make someone else feel good?

I also know I put too much emphasis on the material things. This is bad.

The best things in life are not things.

They're people.

So. 

I do in fact have a new boyfriend. His name is Gabriel DeShoni and he is the most remarkable person in the whole world. He's just so funny and sweet. And I love his huge dumb smile. He's just...Idk.

He says he loves me, but he told me I don't have to say it back till I feel that back. I don't love him yet. But I really really like him. A lot.

I think it's pretty cute that he takes his shirt off when it's possible. Like at the park, at his house. Anywhere. I spent all weekend with him at the mall.

"Cayluuuuuuub, can we go yet? I gotta take my shirt offffffffffff!" I cracked up. He bought me a new industrial bar. It's red and pretty. We started officially dating the 15th.

He left for Kansas city for two weeks on Tuesday. He has to figure something out with where he's staying for college in the fall. So on June 17th he turns 20, and people think that's weird. It's only a 4 year difference. And no, he doesn't just want to have sex cause he's denied me.... XD

But he does say things like "I bet your butt is like soooo tight."

or

"You want my cooooooooooock, you wanna suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it."

Lawl.

He calls me sexy boy, especially in public which makes me blush lots.

Is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about people like Kate Gosselin.

GTFO, KATE!

Lady GaGa is still the best person in the world.

In case your forgot...

Want some advice?

Never challenge an old man, because if you lose, you’ve lost to an old man, and if you win, so what?

 I have new "modeling" pictures. They're neat, I guess. I'll share them sometime.

I love Lady GaGa's new song Vanity. If you haven't heard it go listen. I think it's one of her old demos from her teen years (which you should go find on youtube. Especially 'future love'.)

I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it-and that's all I got.

Whole fucking shit balls, you guys!

It's been awhile. Like, awhile. I had considered not updating this "blog". Like ever. At all. Because, at first, it was for me. To reflect on. I just wanted to get things out there. And then it became for other people, and it felt more like a chore than something I wanted to do. And now it doesn't, so here I am..

These past few weeks have been strange. Honestly, I don't remember where I left you off in my life.

A lots happened though. I'll try my best to go in chronological order. Also, I apologize if none of this comes out entertaining because I tried to note funny things throughout the days to tell you, but I've forgotten them. So...

Chris and I have broken up. I know, I know, you're probably sick of hearing about this. But I'm not going to go all boohoo. He tried to stay with me for a few more weeks, and during those we barely talked cause he was away. And during those days, I got over him. I spent my time just...living. And I realized that Chris was right, it's not the same anymore. I didn't have feelings for him any longer and I knew he didn't have them for me either. So, when we started talking he asked if we could be just friends and I was so relieved, a little...upset just cause. But still, I don't think I could have broken up with him even though I wanted to. We're friends. We get along just fine, I think. When he first dumped me, I cried. But then when it happened the second time it didn't really bother me. I guess I don't need to be miserable because it's over, but just smile that it happened. I love Chris like a good friend. I don't feel for him in the "Hey, honey! kiss kiss!" way but instead in the "Can I borrow five bucks?" "Yeah, dude" way. Get it?

I don't regret anything. That was a really good year for me. Chris gave me tons of confidence and made me realize that I am a great boy and perfectly fine the way I am, you know?

But for the love of God, Chris....Just don't ever go back out with David. You can do so much better than that!

XP

Someone at school apparently told my father that I was gay, and that I am dating a boy named Chris, which is now false. I was freaking out and in tears as he screamed at me over the phone. "You're fucking going to hell, and your mom is too for supporting you, faggot!" Well, she wasn't supporting me. I'm sure she knew deep down (mother's always do) but....Idk. They dropped it. It feels like it never happens. Of course I denied all the allegations. But I know my mom knows I'm gay and that she is fine with it and that she is waiting for me to be comfortable enough with it to tell her myself. As for my dad? Well, I don't think we'll be in communication after my high school years. I wouldn't be able to deal with his abuse.

Cherish has this new boyfriend. I won't say his name, for his....protection? Well, she seems ashamed of him . But in her defense, he's super clingy....already and I think it's been like 2 or 3 days. He's all over her. I feel like I haven't talked to her in forever. I'm jealous in like 4 ways. I'm jealous that I don't get as much attention from Cherish (though I know she doesn't like being all suffocated by him), because Cherish has a boyfriend, because I find him attractive, and because I've had a crush on him since like I met him almost 2 years ago. He's just so funny and weird. I don't know. 

Gabe and I didn't talk for awhile because he said that I was just using him to over Chris, etc. Well, now we are talking. Have been for about a week and a half. So, Thursday morning I missed my bus. Gabe took me to school and we stopped at the park to...park...and he was like "You should just drop out." and I said "No, I'm that much of a low life". And he said "We could run away together, Cayyyyyyyyluuuuuuuuuuuuub." It was really cute, but weird to hear him talk like that cause I thought he was done with me in that way. Anyways, We kept talking. And he was like "You know, Caylib, I find you super cute." And I laughed and he continued with "I really like you" And he kissed me. It felt so weird. By that time, we were outside of the car and I was kicking wet pebbles. It was sorta raining. Yeah, and he gave me my first real kiss ever. It felt weird for like the first second, and then I really liked it. And my face was burning. And then I walked over to the school. And...attended my classes. That night, last night, we went to Long Horn and he kept trying to grab and hold my hand over the table. It was embarrassing cause of the waitress. Also, we went back to his house and watched Avatar and we made out. It felt really weird and gross, but I still really liked it at the same time. And I kept shivering the entire time. It wasn't cold though. Why was I shivering?

Also, he said he loves me.....but he doesn't think we should be in a relationship because he's going away to school in Kansas City (MO) , and he doesn't want me to get upset with that or have to deal with a long distance boyfriend again. This really pisses me off. I have feelings for me, and he's so close but doesn't want to date. I entirely understand, but it's only a few hours away and we could see each-other on weekends. Plus, he start college till the fall. Also, I think he keeps lying about his age or something. Sometimes he's 18, sometimes 19 and now he's turning 20 on June 17th. That's another reason he doesn't want me to date him, caues he says he's more for a real relationship and doesn't want to deal with "high school drama".

This all pisses me off, and I want him so bad...but we'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the City Museum with Olivia and Kandice, and also study. Next week is finals. Hooza! Been singing year books, which is so fun.

I guess my passions are changing. I've really become a new person these past couple of months. Maybe only I notice it. But, I don't need a boy or anyone to tell me I'm pretty or handsome or beautiful or remarkable...because I am..not matter what. I know that, at least. 

Summer's coming and I'm looking so forward to it.

So wait...Gabe makes me shiver when he kisses me. Is that a good thing?

It's over now, No need to run?
It's one year later-my summer's begun.
I wasted my time to make it work,
I guess it was nothing-I only got hurt.
At first I thought I was dying inside,
But how is that possible if I haven't even died?

Lemon Juice highlights and hot sunny beams,
Welcome to summer and new new dreams.
Car windows down, and single hot boys.
I guess I feel like we were just toys.

I'm not in love with you I wonder if I was.
I like talking to you, you know, you know, just cause.
Our relationship ain't broken I guess it will mend...
Cause on the bright-side, I have a new friend.

This poem sounds like it was written for me. I wish I had written it, cause it's oddly convenient.

Anyways, I want green hair this summer.

Bang Bang Jesus.

I really love Katy Perry's version of the song Black and Gold by some strange man. I think it's about God. Also, I hate Kelly Clarkson's version of Katy Perry's demo called Long Shot. Yeah. Katy was so much better. 

I love the old Katy Perry.

Let's discuss the weekend.

On Friday I went to this movie festival thing with Gabe and my old enemy/friend Amandy. It basically showed like underground cult films like Teeth, Repo! The Genetic Opera and some other shit that was really cheesy.

Gabe drove me home and then he proceeded to make a comment about I had once seen his dick because of that new tattoo he has...WHICH AIN'T ON HIS COCK.

And then he grabbed my crotch, and rubbed it....annnnnnd, he undid my jeans. I didn't say anything. I was kinda in shock? And I started breathing really hard and his head went down and blah blah blah and I was like "Wait, stop...Get off" and I pushed his head away (his hair is super soft) and got out of the car...but I eventually got back in so he could take me home.

I spent the night at my dad's that night, and I think he's been cutting himself. He has slashes on both wrists, really deep, and I'm not sure how to bring this up to him. I'm fucking worried and freaked out. What do I do? 

Saturday I came home, and my mom had a fucking attitude problem. I was supposed to hang out with Cherish but I got in trouble for no reason because I apparently had an attitude. Bitch was pmsing. So I couldn't "kick it" with Cherish. But that night, I went to this after-prom part at the school and it was sooo amazingly fun.

The food was cold, but there was karaoke and horrible singers who really got into it. My mentally challenged friend who I love so much was great fun to laugh WITH. You should have seen her shaking it. I did do some dirtydancing...I got nasty. I only did it when Cherish wasn't near me though. I just felt really awkward if she was around, so I didn't do it. Also, she got pretty upset about some girl dancing like the biggest fucking whore ever. I gave my friend Erica a lap dance, laughed with Olivia. I spanked people. I called Shelly Sherry and Shelby like 7 times. I spanked people, made a fool of myself. I'm normally a very uptight person when it comes to dancing, laughing, and social events. I feel like I loosened up, even if no one else saw it. When people asked me if I was gay I yelled "holla!" and high fived. I did the limbo and sucked at it. I screamed "Dial soup!" At the top of my lungs. Olivia and I snuck out and snuck back in:P I also realized that I'm really a people person. I talked to a lot of people I didn't know. It finally occurred to me that not everyone hates me, and the people who do do so because I tend to be mean or act like a freak around them. They see me at my worst. 

I realized I'm a pretty cool kid, and that I'm a nice guy.

I really don't want to talk about Chris a lot. I do want to thank him though. I finally realized I don't need to depend on him, or anyone else to be happy and have a great time. I miss him, and I love him, but I don't need him. I'm my own person. This break up taught me to go out and have fun and just get over whatever is bothering me. (I'm not really over it though). Also, I guess Chris never actually said It's over. He brought that up. So I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend or not.

I have school tomorrow. I couldn't be more excited. I'm happier. I don't think It's cause I don't have Chris. I think it's because I had to do something to get my mind off him, and I finally fucking realized living is not so bad. I want to go out every weekend now. I want to get good grades. I want to have more friends and I want a better relationship with my parents.

My bubble world isn't the only world there is...Don't get me wrong, it's the fucking best there is, but now that I'm more...loose I think I can begin starting up my bubble blower and sending those translucent bitches everywhere.

Long live the bubbles.

And long live the filthy pop music.

Itchy Itchy.

I want to get this out of the way. By "this" I mean Chris. Tuesday night he left me for good. I cried for about two hours, and then talked to my friend Cherish for about 4 hours...it doesn't seem like that, and I doubt she knows it was that long, but now that I count it....wow. She really cheered me up. When I say cried I mean I bawled. I sounded like I was choking. My throat was hurting all the next day, as well as my face. Also: my eyes burned. After the phone with Cherish, I took a shower and read old letters he wrote me, so I cried for about another hour. Wednesday morning I cried on the way of school. I was relatively cheery. I tried to put of the best face possible. I've been pretty happy since he dumped me really...but in a more "calm" way. I'm not happy, I'm just numb. He broke my heart into a thousand pieces. It wasn't that he broke up with me, it was the way he did it. He was so mean about it. He was cruel and hurtful. When I tried to talk to him he told I was stupid, ridiculous, and that he couldn't do "this" and he just stopped talking to me. That's when Cherish called and etc. Cherish showed me some things he said to her and he sort of made fun of me for being "over-reactive". I was so angry with him. I gave all his letters to Cherish to do with whatever she sees fit. Also, I tore up all the pretty doodles he made me and through away any object from him I have. Like bracelets, etc. So all I have left is an envelope and a school picture. Nice. I'm still so angry with him. Wednesday afternoon, he talked to me. He probably only did it cause I apparently trying to make him jealous...which is untrue. He basically said he was sorry, hurt, missing me, that he loved me, etc. and also that he was stupid. I basically wished him good luck in the future and we're now "just friends". He's making it hard though. He keeps mentioning he still wants me, loves me, etc. He can't tell me these things!! It hurts. He's sending me mixed messages and not to mention he's like just suddenly all caring and kind again...you know? It's bullshit. I don't know what to think. Does he want me back? I hope he does. I'm in love with him still. I want him bad. 

I figure that if he does want me back, love me still, he should have to ask me. I'm not going to beg him to be with me. I should have to take him back. He left me. 

If he doesn't want me that's fine...I'll just slowly get over him I guess, right?

I feel really lonely and calm lately.

Gabe.

Gabe is this 18yo drop out boy I've been friends with for a long time. We have odd history. He basically chased me around for a half a year until I put a stop to that shit...and now he's doing it all over againXD I kinda like it, actually. He's just a really good guy. A really good friend. He just got a new tattoo. It's a tiny pair of scissors the size of a penny. It's cute. It's sorta between his hip and belly button, but much lower....lol.

Not on his cock. God, you guys.

I just hope Gabe knows I don't want him like that.

I've made a lot of gay guy friends this past week. I've just been looking for advice.

I got A's and B's in Chemistry and Algebra things this week. Which is great. I've been studying lots to get my mind off of Christopher...

This girl randomly came up to me and interrupted my conversation to say "You scared me". I don't even know this hoe, I don't think I've ever talked to her so I turned around and said "Then don't talk to me. Fuck Off. I'm sure she said shit, but I was ignoring her and smiling at Cherish and nodding to reassure her I did in fact know who Robert is. Schayla's face was like "Oh sheeet"<3

In softball, I hit some kid in the face while he slid to second base. I'm good at the base, and I got him out..but his teeth bled. Ahaha.

I can't wait till July.

GAGA<3

BY THE WAY GUESS WHAT!?

LADY GAGA SAW MY PICTURE.

So you know how I used to model?

Where there's this website that one of my pictures my friend submitted to. It was a lightning bolt one, under the eye? A different one from what you saw. I didn't know until they said she twittered a collection of 50 pictures<3. The website is called "GaGaloo" or something like that.

It's a big deal for me.

I'm starting to get that familiar itch for some new metal. And by that I mean piercings. Not many people know this, but I've had both eyebrows pierced, my lip, each ear, my belly button, and the cartilage of my ear which is my industrial. I currently only have the industrial but I have the hole to the belly button piercing....well, half of it. If you don't know what an industrial ear piercing is look it the fuck up nigger. My current aspiration is the spider bit. It's a lip piercing. Two, side by side, on either side of your mouth. I want it soooo bad.


I'm planning on going to After-prom tomorrow night from 11pm to 4 or 6 am. It's a party...after...the prom...hence the name "After-prom" lol. We got these gay shirts that are blue and green. I was like "Our colors): (Chris and I's) and Olivia is just like "Bummer". It's 5 sizes too huge so I'm telling fatties to ask for the petite...bitches. I'm supposed to hang out with Cherish before the "party" tomorrow. But we'll just see how that goes. And Sunday I'm going somewhere with Gabe. He won't tell me where. Oh and this faggot named Adam wants to hang at the mall tomorrow....He's a cool kid, I've told him I'm not interested. He's actually a nice guy, k? But is it wrong I'd be embarrassed to be seen with him?

LINDSAY TRACKER 2000. 

I wish Lindsay would put the pipe down & get back to the ginger she was.

Anyways, I fucking hate Taco Bell. It's like Americanized shitty Mexican food. Who needs THAT? I mean: Fuck. 

 They should update the 'TACO BELL' name to 'SLOW ASSES MAKING FOOD. WAIT FOR 200 YEARS SO WE CAN MAKE YOUR ORDER WRONG'.

The Ugly Betty show ended. I lived for that show. I will love you forever BETTY<3

But in all seriousness,

I really do miss Chris, you guys.

 I miss just really talking to him about everything, or laughing over jokes our friends told us to share. I even miss the more embarrassing things: Like jerking off with him at night or day dreaming of a baby we could have in 10 years...We were going to name him Kyler.

Is it wrong I'd still make Chris cum if he asked me to? 

Maybe I should just shut my mouth and get back in the fucking bubbles.

</3

 *Sigh*

 

WHORES, I want comments.

I know this is a lot sooner than my usual "updates"...actually, I don't do usual updates...you know, they're not regularly posted...but whatever. I'm doing this weeks really early, you know....ON A TUESDAY. And I'll probably do one Saturday. That said, let's go bitches.

This weekend was super fun to say the least. I spent a lot of time goofing off with my mom at home, and then I went and saw that "The Last Song" movie with Olivia which was really good. Like I thought it was going to be a chick flick...but it was orgasmic. It wasn't even really about some gushy summer romance. It was about a...rebellious 1% emo Miley Cyrus fighting with her father about some divorce and him ending up with something called cancer and dying....I probably should have said spoiler alert before I said all this. Whatever bitches.

I haven't been getting comments on my blog and it bothers me.

COMMENT.

Did I mention yesterday that I had a huge fight with Chris about nothing and he left me? Well, it was about something....but I'm not exactly sure what. All I remember is sending him a couple of messages about how I missed him, and all of a sudden he said something along the lines of "This is ridiculous! I can't have fun without being the bad guy!" Which I didn't understand until i realized some girl sent him some message about how I was sooooooooo pissed at him and was wanting to break up with him and depressed that he wouldn't talk to me. This is all relatively true...and by that I mean I simply told her "I miss him a lot". Listen people, don't ever let anyone butt their noses into your relationships. I guess it's my fault, because I like to show my thing with Chris off....I liked to show what I had with Chris off. I was proud of it...still am. Ugh. Well the only thing I can think of is either that he thinks I'm a clingy obsessive weirdo, or that he wanted to break up with me before I dumped him. I was never going to break up with him....I didn't even say that. Chris basically went on saying that "It's what I wanted" and "I should be happy now" or something like that. Not a direct quote...and the girl who was somehow in all this told me that he said that his life doesn't revolve around me, he has friends, I'm not so important, I'm too obsessed and stupid, and that I need to get over myself and grow up. I didn't think Chris would say those things but.......God.

And then he told me directly that we were taking a break for a week, and I begged him to just take me bag, but it's still a week break...from us.

I'm not exactly sure if he dumped me, or is taking a break from me.

It hurt. Everything hurt. I haven't cried though since about 7 this morning...which is good. I cried all Sunday night and Monday morning...and I cried all yesterday morning and night. It's actually pretty easy to keep it together at school, unless it's really quiet. I didn't fall asleep until 2am last night. I couldn't. I can't get my mind off him. I miss him so much. I love him...and I'm in love with him. I just want to be with him so much.

I just want to be with him so much.

There in lies the problem. Because I have nothing else to go on, I figure I overwhelmed him. I loved him too much I think. I don't know. I probably came off as obsessive and clingy and too fucking attached. Cherish says I should give myself some credit, and that I'm allowed to be that attached because it's been eleven fucking months....it was eleven fucking months..or is. I don't know. I began thinking that I couldn't POSSIBLY be obsessive and clingy but then I thought "You always bug him to talk...and you always bug him to see you." Of course I'm too clingy, you guys. I freaked the love of my life out and now he doesn't want me. Or at least it doesn't feel like it. Yuh know, I just realized that I really am an obsessive person...and I guess it has a lot to do with everything I've been through. It's rare that I find people who I love for them and I love them back. You know, friends..best friends. When I meet someone I absolutely have a great connection with I strive for success with them. I try my hardest to make them like me, and to be important in their lives because I can't stand disapproval. I crave their attention and I don't want them to leave me. I've been left in the dust a lot...I do the exact same thing with my friends that I did to Chris. Cherish is a perfect ex amply. I'm always upset with her cause I obsess over her. I think "She likes me. Okay, I need to be her best friend and make her love me". And then I get pissed when she can't place all her time and attention on me. I think I was a lot worse with Chris because he actually noticed it. It makes sense. I can't be there in person with him, and so I tried my hardest to keep him through the keyboard and phone. There was no other way to keep....us....to me and his loving of me that I saw other than talking to him alllll the time. It was my fucking fear of losing him and so I obsessed over him. "I love this kid so much and he loves me too..I need to talk to him....I need to talk to him again". That's how I thought, I guess...and look where it got me?

When he dumped me I acted like a baby...I cried and cried. It wasn't just crying. I was losing it. You have no idea......I just love him so much. I even kicked a dresser and no, I didn't break my foot, but I broke two toes.

I'm never going to get over him, and if I do it will take a long time..

I probably shouldn't have said all that because if he reads it I'll just sound even more obsessive and freaky and he'll probably never talk to me again. I lost the boy of my dreams and I think he broke my heart. I guess it isn't entirely broken, because of the week thing...but it's there in my chest, beating despair into my body....It's shattered and held together by the brown scabs of hope. I sound stupid...but it's so true.

I once asked him if we could be friends if we ever broke up. He told me "Yes, but I know in my heart that we'll always be more than that."

Yeah......so um....anyways...

I just took a Chemistry test and I think I flunked it. I also just took an Algebra one and think I got an A+ on it. You know, studying is a great distraction from..whatever is going on in your life. 

I'm really tired and I want to go to sleep, but they say not to go to sleep when you're upset (I'm crying) because it leads to depression. I'm already taking drugs for that so touché, niggers.

I have a Spanish project to do but I'm really not in the mood. I have to make some kid of prohibiting sign. Like "No smoking, No fishing, etc." In Spanish. I'm doing "Se prohibe románico malo." Which basically means "No Bad Romance!" AHAHAHAHA<3 Yeah. I went there. Idk what my actual sign will look like. Maybe I'll post a picture of it later. 

SPIT.

Spit smells very odd. Gabe drove me home today and on the way, I put my hand over his mouth cause he was singing horribly. He was like "Just cause you've been all emo Bella Swan cause of Chrissypoo doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself." He is a horrible singer, and he wants me. He licked my hands and for some reason I smelt it. Gross.

Also, I bought Chris a ring....yeah. For our twelve months. I don't want to look at it. I'm not sure what to do with it? Do I return it? Can you return jewelry? It wasn't that expensive. Gabe went and bought it with my money. He says that he thinks you can sell it back for a lower price only...which is so gay...Idk...

I'm going to go see the black eyed peas too, not just GaGa. I'm excited, but I'm going with Gabe and his friend. I don't like Gabe's friend. You see, Gabe is a "masculine faggot"...you'd never guess he was gay. He's like 18 and muscular and sooooooooooo...stuck up but it's hilarious. Anyways, he tries to act macho in front of his friends. He once poured soda on me to show off. I almost punched him..

YOU GUYS.

I NEED ADVICE, FOLLOWERS, AND COMMENTS.

I'm still not ready to go back into the bubbles though. My bubble world. You know, my perception is what got me in this stupid fucking mess.............

Chris, I love you.

And Cherish, I'm sorry I'm a weird friend.

If you guys are reading this, that is......

Rah Rah Ah Ah Ah Roma Romama GaGa Oolala Wantcho bad romance<3

I sound like a freak.

What a week, what a week...

I mean, fuck..

How are you guys? How are you feeling? Do you honestly think I care? No. I do not.

 Unless you're Chris, or Cherish, then I care. So if you're them: LEave a long comment detailing you week so I can giggle and smile at your funny times, or blush at the words describing embarrassing moments. Also, If your Chris: Make me blush by talking dirty. You're very good at it, nasty boy<3

I sound like a freak...

 No but really, tell me about your week you guys. HOW WAS YOURS?

Monday Monday Monday-No School.

Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday-Shit.

I was reunited with my friend Cherish (The broken nose hoe). Well, she read my blog, and got vibes off me. She told me her blog made her cry, etc, and wrote me this really long thing about how great I am, that she wants to be a better friend, and how much she loves me. Also: She wrote me a poem...Something she's very good at it. She, in turn, made me cry.

Tuesday, I told her I was mad at her and she flat out started crying. I tried to ignore it and her as much as possible. Honestly, I was still pissed at her. And no, it wasn't just because I invited her to six flags and she never really answered me. I mean, it's understandable. Cause she had a broken face and she "allegedly" had things to figure out with her dad...or something like that.

I wouldn't say I am still angry at her, or ever was, but I'm simply cautious. I don't want to tell someone all my thoughts and feelings, and everything I think...or be their friend and not feel that it is returned. 

She provides this-somewhat.

I feel that when she's around other people who she is friends with that I'm just like..secondary. I feel like I automatically get put like 5th next to bitches I don't like. This pisses me off cause she flat out tells me she trusts and loves me more than them. Not to mention, she's becoming great friends with a girl I fucking introduced her to and I now feel left out of the loop. What really bugs me is that when I invite her somewhere, and I do it all the time, she doesn't want to go, doesn't know if she can, or has to ask. So she asks, and even if they say yes she never gets back to me on it...ever, and when she does it's like 5 minutes before said event.

It pisses me off, and she never invites me anywhere. This all makes me feel like she doesn't have time for me, and the time she does have for me is when she's by herself, just her and I.

ALSO:

She can't talk seriously to me face to face. It has to be in a note, message, etc.

I sound obsessive and weird. I sound like a freak.

Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday-Hmmm.

I don't remember much about this day...but I will tell you this is the day I finally got fed up with my friend Erica being a totally nut sack douchey ass hole bitch donkey. Seriously, she has an attitude problem and she is being a huge bitch to me. Half the time she ignores me.

Chris went off to his competition for school. I think it had something to do with acting.

Thursday Thursday Thursday-Ugh):

I woke up and immediately tried to put on everything green and blue that my school's dress code would allow me to wear, which happens to be not much. Why? Because it was the 8th, mine and Chris's anniversary, well month-aversery...It was 11 months yesterday<3 and green and blue are our favorite colors, and preselected wedding colors. Yeah, we're getting married no matter what congress has to say. We'll got to Canada. So anyways, I wore blue and green to symbolize well...us. It may seem cheesy but oh well. Anyways, I was so exited cause Chris said we "may" be able to talk....like, on the phone..which is a big deal cause I haven't heard his voice in 73+ days. I still haven't): No, he didn't call...which crushed me, but that's okay. I expected that. He did say "maybe", right? So I have to let him off...but I'm still upset. We haven't talked all week cause he's off at competition and he obviously has things to do...But when it's our anniversary....month-iversary, whatever, I expect him to at least say something thing to me that day then the THREE, just THREE sentences he did. The entire day, at least he said "Happy anniversary"...right? I'm just really pissy cause I miss him so much and I just want to CHAT HIS FUCKING EAR OFF WITH HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND WHAT HE'S BEEN UP TO!....blaaaaaaaaaaaaah<3

I fear he may be taking me for granted or...falling out of love with me.

Do I sound like a freak?

Also, on Thursday morning my friend Olivia picked me up as usual, and she also had with her in the car Erica (no prob) and this other bitch's name who will not be said cause I am frightened off her fat ass. Anyways, she had this robot-baby thing she has to take care of for her childcare class, and the fucking thing would not shut the fuck up. So, Olivia punched it in the face. I couldn't stop laughing, you had to be there. Well when she went and turned in her roboinfant, the teacher informed her that it was deceased and that she would be receiving an F.

HAHAHAHAHAHA<3

Friday Friday Friday-Today:/

Nothing really happened today...more funny moments in the car with Olivia, Amanda, and Erica...LOL. Okay so, we were parked and there was this old lady and I was like "WRINKLY CLIT!" I guess it's not that funny, but oh well...we were all laughing..

I GOT MY GAGA CONCERT TICKETS FOR JULY<3

In gym I was staring off into the distance and I started thinking of how different my mom seems to be now than she was when she was my age. She was wild and crazy, and now she is strict and manner...and other people are so different and for some reason I began to cry. I was like "She is nothing like my mother, he is nothing like him...they're nothing like that" and that's when I realized I am always changing, everyone is...And I am just beginning. 

After school, we sang to Taylor Swift and sang really loud.

I HAVE A MEETING WITH A MODELING SCOUT ON TUEDAY.

Bet some of you didn't know I like to model, eh? I've had about 3 meetings with scouts, you know..interviews, one "real" shoot that is in some weird performance art magazine and several jobs and favors for college students as their "models". Yes...I want to model. Sue me.

I think I'm quite good:

They were all taken by college students. 

I want to be a different person. Wait, I don't mean that...but I want to be different. I don't want to change who I am but I'd like to perfect it. I want to be artistic and deep, beautiful and handsome and more intelligent and funny. I don't want to be mean and make people cry like I do. I want to be kind and refined. Kids, I want to be who I'm supposed to be. Like I said, my mom changed. People do. I know I'm just beginning, but I want to speed this process. Don't be rash, I'm not striving for perfection. I just want to be who I will ultimately become. I want to be Caylib, not Calib. Yes, I changed the spelling of my name, but only to serve as the beginning, the starting line. I want it show a simple change that alters everything. Calib is the old me, the rude and shy boy who blurts out curse words. I want to simply be....myself. I don't think I've found him yet. He could be at Harvard teaching law, or raising a family with Chris. He could be making love to his wife and pretending it's the ass of the new intern Jeff at the office. I honestly don't know where he is, who he is, or what he does. I know he's me, and that I need to become him. I know I need to be me and I know that I am still hiding it. I want to...unleash the force within. I want to wake up and love myself.

When I speak of all this change, all this growing and such I do not by any means mean that I am becoming someone else. I simply mean that I need to embrace Calib, Caylib..I need to learn what I want. Maybe I want to be that professor or gay father, or maybe I want to be that in the closet husband...I do not know yet, and I don't want to wait forever to find out because once I make the wrong choice, my college major or lifestyle, I cannot erase it. Am I not making sense, am I sounding like a freak?

Basically,

I am soul searching and discovering myself.

And it all starts with that "y" in my name. So simple, and it changes everything, right?

I want to wear Andy Warhol-esque sunglasses indoors. I want to strictly use chop sticks when eating...I want to visit museums and write books. I want to love Chris. I want to love the nature and green things. I want to live, I want to love. I want to live in my motherfucking bubble word.

I want to be myself. Search within. you should to. Are you being yourself? Huh? Are you truly who you WANT to be? Are those jeans you're wearing black because you like it? Or because other people wear them?

BE YOURSELF!

I've never been myself and look where it's fucking gotten me. I have few friends, I've been in every clique and kicked out. I'm depressed and awkward. 

please be yourself. I cannot stress that enough.

If college is not for you do not attend.

If you hate Lady Gaga burn your fucking CD.

If you hate pink cut that shirt your sister bought you.

If you want to be goth, be goth.

If you want to take a cooking class do it.

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, and don't ever be embarrassed. If you're a guy, wear those goddamn stilettos if you want and look better than that bitch from Geography class.

If you want to live in the bubbles like me, do it...and if you don't, pop those sons of bitches.

Here's your shit of the week:

Picture-Brain Eater.

Video-Hilarioussss.

Song/Free mp3-Fancy Pants-Lady Starlight.

Go blow some bubbles.

Is it over yet?

I'm always told I'm just so funny. I tell these stories, and they make people laugh.

I've developed my humor very well, I think.

It wasn't that hard. I just turn all the sad horrible things in life into funnies. I'm clumsy and ditsy, but when I trip I bust up laughing. It's that simple. As for the stories?

They're funny.

Also, I tell insults. I say random things. I'm rude and horrible, and mean and cruel. I am blunt.

How did I come up with anything? Why am I funny?

Simple.

I was a child who needed to talk all the time.

I just blabber and blabber. I'm very opinionated. Eventually, you learn that not everyone in the universe wants to hear you talk. It becomes annoying, of course.

So I made it funny.

"I fell off the porch today" became "I was singing this song, and dancing down the stairs like people from those old cheesy movies...the ones with Audrey Hepburn when I slipped off, and screamed "Mother FUCK!"

Which one would you rather hear about?

I could tell you that I'm just sitting hear, IMing some girl, and blogging. But doesn't it sound so much better if I say it in a weird voice, and I add that I'm also listening to Britney Spears while in my underwear, and that my eye is twitching? It may not be funny, but it is more humorous. I know I'd rather hear you say your mom busted ass then "she had a fall". 

Be funny, be outrageous.

I want everyone to know everything about me. I've been told I'm hard to "read". I'm going to be outgoing.

I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them.

I'm going to pull open a door and yell into it. What will I yell? Everything.

I haven't read any of the autobiographies about me,

So I guess I should take matter into my own hands.

Is it over yet?

Spring break, I mean....and this school year.

I'm flunking. Bad. I won't tell you my exact grades, but they're bad.

Algebra and Chemistry hate me. I can't seem to wrap my head around them. I know we need them. Right now, my brain is calculating the distances of keys from my fingers so I can type...sorta subconsciously. I know I need math in everyday life. I'm not stupid. Like I said before: I watch Tyra...I know shit. I also know that I need chemistry. Right now, my body is breaking down my breakfast and lunch, churning it about and causing chemical reactions to produce more vitamins and sugars needed to rush through my veins to my organs..my brain..my heart<3 I'm alive because of chemistry.

I had a test before spring break, you guys...Two. One in chemistry. One in Algebra. I honestly think I got an A+ on the Algebra, cause I studied soooo hard. I'm proud of myself, cause I'm finally starting to balance my life out two years into high school. Maybe a little late, but hey....whatcha gonna do?

The chemistry test is a whole 'nother story. I don't think I necessarily flunked it...but, I don't think I did so good. Maybe a C? That's good, right? No. Not for me. I have to be perfect. I'm all ready ugly and gay, and I can't change that. I need to be smart again.

You see, school was always easy for me till this year. I had all A's always. I never had to try or study, and now I need to...and I'm too lazy. Also, I'm not exactly surrrrrrrrrre how to study. But I do it, and I think it paid off for math this time<3

Something I do do good in is History. I have a passion for it. The art, the stories. The people. When I read the biography of Marie Antoinette and her husband, the King of France I cried. You see, they were forced to take control of a country in poverty and unhappiness. The French rose up against them and behead them. It doesn't seem so bad, I mean....It was bad, but not enough to make you cry, right?

I have a passion for history. I don't think of it as facts, it's people. These are lives we're talking about.

How do you think King Louis felt when the peasants broke into the palace and dragged his wife and children and himself away to jail by their hair? I bet he was scared. That grown man cried.

How do you think Marie felt when she learned her husband was beheaded, her children taken and touched, and that she was never going to see them again? How would you feel?

“I was a queen, and you took away my crown; a wife, and you killed my husband; a mother, and you deprived me of my children. My blood alone remains: take it, but do not make me suffer long.”

The only surviving member of that royal family was  the eldest daughter, who was so scarred that she never had sex.

I hate when I say something about history, and the reply I get it is "I really don't remember much about Cleopatra. There were a lot of other things going on." It's true, but you should know something. Theses people are your brothers and your sisters. They were just like you. Do you want people to skim over you if you manage to dominate the entire ancient world? No, Cleopatra wouldn't want that either. She was brilliant.

My spring break, I regret to say, has been boring. I spent it worrying about my best friend's broken nose. She thinks I don't care. Honestly, the girl is annoying me. I do a lot for her, I stick up for her. I treat her great and share my secrets with her. I don't judge her. I'm a great friend, and she never seems to return the favors. She skims over me for her other friends. She doesn't want my company. It bothers me.

I "talked" to Chris a lot this week. The boy is so amazing.

He makes me feel like no one else exists..I love him so much. He finally makes me feel good about myself. That is why I love him so much. It's just not that he does that, it's just that...he goes out of his way to ensure my happiness and joy. He doesn't disappoint. Christopher is so amazing. It's been 74 days since I've heard his voice. It's hard with him living so far away. How can I be in love with someone who I don't see? It's simple. I just am. When I hear his voice, my heart beats so much. It beats really fast, and I can feel and hear it in my ears. My palms sweat, my mouth gets dry, and my knees become weak. His words do that to me. Just "Hello". When we first started dating, I doubted actually loving him. But then I started to cry just because I can't see him. I can't see his face everyday. I don't get to memorize the random dusting of freckles across his body, or the precise placement of moles and scars. I don't get to hug or touch him. No kisses...I have knots in my stomach right now, and I'm getting teary-eyed.

This is not just teenage shit. This is love. No one can understand but me and him. 

Emailing, Phone calls, fantasies, dreams and masturbation are not going to help, and they don't.

With love, I have it....We will be together forever and for eternity, I know it.

I'm starting to feel like it's not enough.

It's okay though. "1 1/2 years, Calib." Then I'll have the boy of my dreams.

I'm missing him, wishing he was here, in my arms.

Is it over yet? The 1 1/2 years? I want my baby boy.

I went to six flags with my new best friend, Olivia....not the broken nose hoe...lawl.

It was so funny, and fun. She's amazing. I feel like she gets me.

She also realizes I need to face the world. I fell off my cloud with a thud, and now I need to plant my feet firmly on the ground. Babies, I need to work on spreading my bubbles world wide. I want to be somebody. One bubble at a time<3

Remember, just 30 more years and people will get it.

Easter was great. School starts tomorrow. I'll have drama for you. Is it over yet? High School? Ugh.

Am I complicated?

I don't think so.

I just have a man's body and a child's emotions.

 *sigh*

History. Love. Chris. Art. Friends. Winters. Peace. GaGa. 

I've always admitted that I'm ruled by my passions.

And the Bubbles<3

Catching Up.

"You're a grown boy now,Calib."

"I know...Shut up!"

I'm so sick of everyone telling me how old I look, that I'm getting up there...That I need to get ready to face the future...I'm not stupid: I watch Tyra...I know shit. The problem is, how can I face the fucking future if I can't face the past or present? I can't deal with shit. I wouldn't say I've been through a lot in my 16 years. Hell, life is easy compared to others...probably. I mean, I'm not a meth-head. I'm not missing a limb. I don't have to trudge up a hill three miles in the winter happily to get to school like my grandfather says he did.

I still wish I could die. Babies, honestly...I do...sometimes. Other times I'm happy.

My life right now, this second, feels like it is crashing all around. But I guess we have to look at the beginning, back far far awaysssss..

Can I say nigger on here?

Let's catch up.

I was born on a cold snowy January night. No, I don't remember the time. My mother honestly still has no idea who my biological father is. I don't hold it against her, she was a young college girl who was swept of her feet by my "father"...the man I call dad, who sort of abused her. I don't hold that against him either. Neither are guilty. Pa was trying to keep is gal with him, she was falling out of love. He abused her, and she coped in the arms of other men. I could either be my "dad" 's, some other guys's or a half Asian half Puerto Rican named....I don't remember. I know he was short. I'm 6'5"...so you probably don't think he'd be the first place candidate, but to this day my parents still fight over "Marco's child"...that's me. I do look a little like him. I'd love to be 1/4 Asian. Honestly. 

So anyways, my parents met at the park pool. Mom was a life guard. Dad was the summer hottie. It's an old romantic comedy cliche, I know, but bear with me..they hit it off immediately. 

My mom didn't tell anyone she was pregnant till her water broke. Ha. She was twenty one. Grandma says she thought she was getting fat.

Marco and that other guy were long gone, so daddy signed the birth certificate. When I was one my parents broke up. They were never married.

I know this is all boring, but just read..

I was raised in my grandmother's house with my college going mother, and her three teen-aged sisters. I still have complexes about using the same bathroom as girls. Ugh.

I had a pretty normal childhood I guess. Lots of cousins. I was rotated to my dad on weekends. I think mom felt sorry for him, and tried to let him have me as much as possible. I was the only family he had. All his siblings, including his twin, were dead beats. Biological ones, that is. Dad was born into a family of ..drugs and murder, and crime...his dad was a killer, his mother a depressed teenager. When he was one, his mother tried to escape abuse from his father with my dad. She held my dad in her arms with her other children in the car as my biological grandfather stumbled, drunk, out of the trailer and shot her right between the eyes. My dad was covered in blood, and soon adopted by an elderly couple. My aunt Kandy says she still remembers her mother's blue eyes fading to white.

I'm not making this up, people.

Anyways, my father took care of me. He was an excellent dad. He eventually started messing with an Asian under-aged girl, who got pregnant and out popped my brother Simon. The same girl is now a man and lives in Arkansas, no joke. Father hasn't had much luck with ladies. He now lives with his girlfriend Jennifer in a small house, smoking pot, with her kids. I like them. He has two other kids besides me and Simon by his ex-fiance who is a psycho bitch. She once swung a microwave around like she was going to beat him with it. She swung it by the cord after tearing it from the wall. 

Mom met a man who was nice...and now they're married and have two kids. I love them, Ayden and Sierra. Step-father...I hate....

I feel like this is turning into a family history...it's just supposed to set this shit up, so you know what I'm talking about later on....

As a child I always new I didn't like girls...but I didn't like boys either. I was popular in elementary school, and really smart too. I was always different. I'd cry to mommy that the boys picked on me. I liked the trucks and cars, and the legos and such...but I liked playing power puff girls with all the little gals in the class.

I've always known I was different...always. On old report cards, I've found my teachers writing worried scrawlings to my mom cause I liked dress-up too much, or wanted a purple crayon instead of blue or red.

When I was 5 the neighbor boy, who was also 5, talked me into cuddling naked with him in the bath tub. We groped each others "pee pees"...I saw nothing wrong with it. My mom found us and freaked out. I was so embarrassed that I never spoke to him again. When I was 7 the other neighbor boy, who was 13, made me give him oral sex regularly for a summer. I hated it. It bothered me. I felt like a whore. It still bothers me. I have trouble being friends with other guys. 

I never thought I was gay, homosexual, ever...In middle school all my friends were girls. I couldn't trust boys. It was hell for me, those 3 years. HELL. I eventually dated my friend Morgan. She was so pretty, but I didn't like her. We were just best friends...I knew she really liked me. We'd have fun in every other way. Also, I went "emo" for her. Or, semi-emo. Idk. Kinda goth .I loved it. I still like Evanescence and Korn, Metallica...I love that shit. She eventually dumped me cause I refused to kiss her. When I came back in 8th grade, all my friends hated me. I became an even greater outcast. I believe this is where I became depressed. Everyone had always called me gay, and I was searching for answers....I went home and looked up gay porn. It didn't phase me. No boner. My mother checked the history on the computer, found out, and called my father. Her, my father, and her husband all hounded me for answers, and hacked my myspace looking for them. What they found was messages between me and some few friends, talking about me thinking I was bi. I cried for days. It took me till that summer to talk to my mom. I never mentioned it to my mom, step-dad, or dad again. I was ashamed. They thought I was one of those...A fag.

I knew I didn't like girls, and that I was...effeminate..sorta, but I didn't have an attraction to guys either. Though I did shamelessly flirt with both. I pretended to be bi, just cause I didn't know what else I could be. I made one friend who I still cherish to this day, and her name is indeed Cherish...lol, I guess.

We hit it off, her and I.

I told her I was bi, and she didn't have a problem with it. At all. This gave me some happiness.

When I got to high school, the first semester was hell. I had started puberty already, and still growing. Hormones were raging, and I guess I finally sprouted something in my brain that turned on my sexual side. I started liking boys. It was a curse and a gift. I wasn't a freak, I finally felt something for people, but it was the wrong gender. I became suicidal. I started making myself vomit...and I became anorexic. I wanted to be right in one way, and that way was being attractive. To this day I still starve on purpose sometime. In January I weighed 207 pounds. In February, 174 pounds and today, 153 pounds. My weight fluctuates a lot. I starve myself, and then eat anything in sight. It is a lot less worse than it was.

The second semester of freshman year was so fun and amazing, I got many many friends. I love them all, but today I have lost most of them. The ones I do have, I cherish so much...including Cherish. Towards the end of freshman year, I admitted to myself that I was gay, but refused to acknowledge it. At that point, I had never been physically attracted to another boy, or anyone, but I did crush on some boys. I had cleaned up my myspace page, which my mom still kept looking at. She wanted to make sure I wasn't "being bad and gay". Well, I joined this place called myyearbook. It's a really lame site, a rip-off of myspace and facebook. There's this little gadget on there where you can secretly admire people, other users, and I usually only skimmed through the girls usually...I wanted to be straight soooo bad. But one day, I looked through the boys and BAM. I was hit. There was this picture of a boy, a boy that I thought was the most cutest creature ever made. I admired him, his name was Chris...or something like that(; No, it was Chris. 

We started talking, and about a month later I asked this boy out. I love him. I fell in love with him. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met. It's almost a year and I am so lucky. I'm so attracted to his body, and mind, and soul. Chris is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This school year, sophomore year, has been amazing. I have amazing friends an family. I'm so happy, yet deeply hurting. I can't explain it.

I sort of feel like no one gets me. Obviously. I just want to be understood. To do that, I need to understand the world around me, of course. It's hard. I live in my own bubble world ,where I'm giddy and weird. I might not be liked, but people know me. I live in the bubbles, so what? Maybe everyone ELSE is living wrong. Sure, I have...issues. But I get to be myself. People will get it, eventually. I just mean,
I want to leave my mark. This is me. This is about me. I'm a kid, I'm a freak. I curse and smile. A year from now, I could go away, and people might say, ‘Gosh, what ever happened to that boy who never shut up?’  But how wonderfully memorable it will be when 30 years from now, when they say, ‘Do you remember Calib and his laughs?’ Because, for a minute, everybody in that room will forget every sad, painful thing in their lives, and they’ll just live in my bubble world.

I feel sorta proud, like I'm gonna represent something. But then again, everyone is always claiming to be different, to be deep, to be troubled, to be living the best they can. I'll be the first to admit I am all these things. I'd love for this to get read. It's going to kill me if I only notice my boyfriend, or close friends read this.

      I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this to be big .I want a book deal. I'm not holding anything back. 
Honestly, I want this shit to make me. I want to be on Oprah.a