Catching Up.

"You're a grown boy now,Calib."

"I know...Shut up!"

I'm so sick of everyone telling me how old I look, that I'm getting up there...That I need to get ready to face the future...I'm not stupid: I watch Tyra...I know shit. The problem is, how can I face the fucking future if I can't face the past or present? I can't deal with shit. I wouldn't say I've been through a lot in my 16 years. Hell, life is easy compared to others...probably. I mean, I'm not a meth-head. I'm not missing a limb. I don't have to trudge up a hill three miles in the winter happily to get to school like my grandfather says he did.

I still wish I could die. Babies, honestly...I do...sometimes. Other times I'm happy.

My life right now, this second, feels like it is crashing all around. But I guess we have to look at the beginning, back far far awaysssss..

Can I say nigger on here?

Let's catch up.

I was born on a cold snowy January night. No, I don't remember the time. My mother honestly still has no idea who my biological father is. I don't hold it against her, she was a young college girl who was swept of her feet by my "father"...the man I call dad, who sort of abused her. I don't hold that against him either. Neither are guilty. Pa was trying to keep is gal with him, she was falling out of love. He abused her, and she coped in the arms of other men. I could either be my "dad" 's, some other guys's or a half Asian half Puerto Rican named....I don't remember. I know he was short. I'm 6'5"...so you probably don't think he'd be the first place candidate, but to this day my parents still fight over "Marco's child"...that's me. I do look a little like him. I'd love to be 1/4 Asian. Honestly. 

So anyways, my parents met at the park pool. Mom was a life guard. Dad was the summer hottie. It's an old romantic comedy cliche, I know, but bear with me..they hit it off immediately. 

My mom didn't tell anyone she was pregnant till her water broke. Ha. She was twenty one. Grandma says she thought she was getting fat.

Marco and that other guy were long gone, so daddy signed the birth certificate. When I was one my parents broke up. They were never married.

I know this is all boring, but just read..

I was raised in my grandmother's house with my college going mother, and her three teen-aged sisters. I still have complexes about using the same bathroom as girls. Ugh.

I had a pretty normal childhood I guess. Lots of cousins. I was rotated to my dad on weekends. I think mom felt sorry for him, and tried to let him have me as much as possible. I was the only family he had. All his siblings, including his twin, were dead beats. Biological ones, that is. Dad was born into a family of ..drugs and murder, and crime...his dad was a killer, his mother a depressed teenager. When he was one, his mother tried to escape abuse from his father with my dad. She held my dad in her arms with her other children in the car as my biological grandfather stumbled, drunk, out of the trailer and shot her right between the eyes. My dad was covered in blood, and soon adopted by an elderly couple. My aunt Kandy says she still remembers her mother's blue eyes fading to white.

I'm not making this up, people.

Anyways, my father took care of me. He was an excellent dad. He eventually started messing with an Asian under-aged girl, who got pregnant and out popped my brother Simon. The same girl is now a man and lives in Arkansas, no joke. Father hasn't had much luck with ladies. He now lives with his girlfriend Jennifer in a small house, smoking pot, with her kids. I like them. He has two other kids besides me and Simon by his ex-fiance who is a psycho bitch. She once swung a microwave around like she was going to beat him with it. She swung it by the cord after tearing it from the wall. 

Mom met a man who was nice...and now they're married and have two kids. I love them, Ayden and Sierra. Step-father...I hate....

I feel like this is turning into a family history...it's just supposed to set this shit up, so you know what I'm talking about later on....

As a child I always new I didn't like girls...but I didn't like boys either. I was popular in elementary school, and really smart too. I was always different. I'd cry to mommy that the boys picked on me. I liked the trucks and cars, and the legos and such...but I liked playing power puff girls with all the little gals in the class.

I've always known I was different...always. On old report cards, I've found my teachers writing worried scrawlings to my mom cause I liked dress-up too much, or wanted a purple crayon instead of blue or red.

When I was 5 the neighbor boy, who was also 5, talked me into cuddling naked with him in the bath tub. We groped each others "pee pees"...I saw nothing wrong with it. My mom found us and freaked out. I was so embarrassed that I never spoke to him again. When I was 7 the other neighbor boy, who was 13, made me give him oral sex regularly for a summer. I hated it. It bothered me. I felt like a whore. It still bothers me. I have trouble being friends with other guys. 

I never thought I was gay, homosexual, ever...In middle school all my friends were girls. I couldn't trust boys. It was hell for me, those 3 years. HELL. I eventually dated my friend Morgan. She was so pretty, but I didn't like her. We were just best friends...I knew she really liked me. We'd have fun in every other way. Also, I went "emo" for her. Or, semi-emo. Idk. Kinda goth .I loved it. I still like Evanescence and Korn, Metallica...I love that shit. She eventually dumped me cause I refused to kiss her. When I came back in 8th grade, all my friends hated me. I became an even greater outcast. I believe this is where I became depressed. Everyone had always called me gay, and I was searching for answers....I went home and looked up gay porn. It didn't phase me. No boner. My mother checked the history on the computer, found out, and called my father. Her, my father, and her husband all hounded me for answers, and hacked my myspace looking for them. What they found was messages between me and some few friends, talking about me thinking I was bi. I cried for days. It took me till that summer to talk to my mom. I never mentioned it to my mom, step-dad, or dad again. I was ashamed. They thought I was one of those...A fag.

I knew I didn't like girls, and that I was...effeminate..sorta, but I didn't have an attraction to guys either. Though I did shamelessly flirt with both. I pretended to be bi, just cause I didn't know what else I could be. I made one friend who I still cherish to this day, and her name is indeed Cherish...lol, I guess.

We hit it off, her and I.

I told her I was bi, and she didn't have a problem with it. At all. This gave me some happiness.

When I got to high school, the first semester was hell. I had started puberty already, and still growing. Hormones were raging, and I guess I finally sprouted something in my brain that turned on my sexual side. I started liking boys. It was a curse and a gift. I wasn't a freak, I finally felt something for people, but it was the wrong gender. I became suicidal. I started making myself vomit...and I became anorexic. I wanted to be right in one way, and that way was being attractive. To this day I still starve on purpose sometime. In January I weighed 207 pounds. In February, 174 pounds and today, 153 pounds. My weight fluctuates a lot. I starve myself, and then eat anything in sight. It is a lot less worse than it was.

The second semester of freshman year was so fun and amazing, I got many many friends. I love them all, but today I have lost most of them. The ones I do have, I cherish so much...including Cherish. Towards the end of freshman year, I admitted to myself that I was gay, but refused to acknowledge it. At that point, I had never been physically attracted to another boy, or anyone, but I did crush on some boys. I had cleaned up my myspace page, which my mom still kept looking at. She wanted to make sure I wasn't "being bad and gay". Well, I joined this place called myyearbook. It's a really lame site, a rip-off of myspace and facebook. There's this little gadget on there where you can secretly admire people, other users, and I usually only skimmed through the girls usually...I wanted to be straight soooo bad. But one day, I looked through the boys and BAM. I was hit. There was this picture of a boy, a boy that I thought was the most cutest creature ever made. I admired him, his name was Chris...or something like that(; No, it was Chris. 

We started talking, and about a month later I asked this boy out. I love him. I fell in love with him. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met. It's almost a year and I am so lucky. I'm so attracted to his body, and mind, and soul. Chris is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This school year, sophomore year, has been amazing. I have amazing friends an family. I'm so happy, yet deeply hurting. I can't explain it.

I sort of feel like no one gets me. Obviously. I just want to be understood. To do that, I need to understand the world around me, of course. It's hard. I live in my own bubble world ,where I'm giddy and weird. I might not be liked, but people know me. I live in the bubbles, so what? Maybe everyone ELSE is living wrong. Sure, I have...issues. But I get to be myself. People will get it, eventually. I just mean,
I want to leave my mark. This is me. This is about me. I'm a kid, I'm a freak. I curse and smile. A year from now, I could go away, and people might say, ‘Gosh, what ever happened to that boy who never shut up?’  But how wonderfully memorable it will be when 30 years from now, when they say, ‘Do you remember Calib and his laughs?’ Because, for a minute, everybody in that room will forget every sad, painful thing in their lives, and they’ll just live in my bubble world.

I feel sorta proud, like I'm gonna represent something. But then again, everyone is always claiming to be different, to be deep, to be troubled, to be living the best they can. I'll be the first to admit I am all these things. I'd love for this to get read. It's going to kill me if I only notice my boyfriend, or close friends read this.

      I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this to be big .I want a book deal. I'm not holding anything back. 
Honestly, I want this shit to make me. I want to be on Oprah.a