What a week, what a week...
I mean, fuck..
How are you guys? How are you feeling? Do you honestly think I care? No. I do not.
Unless you're Chris, or Cherish, then I care. So if you're them: LEave a long comment detailing you week so I can giggle and smile at your funny times, or blush at the words describing embarrassing moments. Also, If your Chris: Make me blush by talking dirty. You're very good at it, nasty boy<3
I sound like a freak...
No but really, tell me about your week you guys. HOW WAS YOURS?
Monday Monday Monday-No School.
Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday-Shit.
I was reunited with my friend Cherish (The broken nose hoe). Well, she read my blog, and got vibes off me. She told me her blog made her cry, etc, and wrote me this really long thing about how great I am, that she wants to be a better friend, and how much she loves me. Also: She wrote me a poem...Something she's very good at it. She, in turn, made me cry.
Tuesday, I told her I was mad at her and she flat out started crying. I tried to ignore it and her as much as possible. Honestly, I was still pissed at her. And no, it wasn't just because I invited her to six flags and she never really answered me. I mean, it's understandable. Cause she had a broken face and she "allegedly" had things to figure out with her dad...or something like that.
I wouldn't say I am still angry at her, or ever was, but I'm simply cautious. I don't want to tell someone all my thoughts and feelings, and everything I think...or be their friend and not feel that it is returned.
She provides this-somewhat.
I feel that when she's around other people who she is friends with that I'm just like..secondary. I feel like I automatically get put like 5th next to bitches I don't like. This pisses me off cause she flat out tells me she trusts and loves me more than them. Not to mention, she's becoming great friends with a girl I fucking introduced her to and I now feel left out of the loop. What really bugs me is that when I invite her somewhere, and I do it all the time, she doesn't want to go, doesn't know if she can, or has to ask. So she asks, and even if they say yes she never gets back to me on it...ever, and when she does it's like 5 minutes before said event.
It pisses me off, and she never invites me anywhere. This all makes me feel like she doesn't have time for me, and the time she does have for me is when she's by herself, just her and I.
ALSO:
She can't talk seriously to me face to face. It has to be in a note, message, etc.
I sound obsessive and weird. I sound like a freak.
Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday-Hmmm.
I don't remember much about this day...but I will tell you this is the day I finally got fed up with my friend Erica being a totally nut sack douchey ass hole bitch donkey. Seriously, she has an attitude problem and she is being a huge bitch to me. Half the time she ignores me.
Chris went off to his competition for school. I think it had something to do with acting.
Thursday Thursday Thursday-Ugh):
I woke up and immediately tried to put on everything green and blue that my school's dress code would allow me to wear, which happens to be not much. Why? Because it was the 8th, mine and Chris's anniversary, well month-aversery...It was 11 months yesterday<3 and green and blue are our favorite colors, and preselected wedding colors. Yeah, we're getting married no matter what congress has to say. We'll got to Canada. So anyways, I wore blue and green to symbolize well...us. It may seem cheesy but oh well. Anyways, I was so exited cause Chris said we "may" be able to talk....like, on the phone..which is a big deal cause I haven't heard his voice in 73+ days. I still haven't): No, he didn't call...which crushed me, but that's okay. I expected that. He did say "maybe", right? So I have to let him off...but I'm still upset. We haven't talked all week cause he's off at competition and he obviously has things to do...But when it's our anniversary....month-iversary, whatever, I expect him to at least say something thing to me that day then the THREE, just THREE sentences he did. The entire day, at least he said "Happy anniversary"...right? I'm just really pissy cause I miss him so much and I just want to CHAT HIS FUCKING EAR OFF WITH HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND WHAT HE'S BEEN UP TO!....blaaaaaaaaaaaaah<3
I fear he may be taking me for granted or...falling out of love with me.
Do I sound like a freak?
Also, on Thursday morning my friend Olivia picked me up as usual, and she also had with her in the car Erica (no prob) and this other bitch's name who will not be said cause I am frightened off her fat ass. Anyways, she had this robot-baby thing she has to take care of for her childcare class, and the fucking thing would not shut the fuck up. So, Olivia punched it in the face. I couldn't stop laughing, you had to be there. Well when she went and turned in her roboinfant, the teacher informed her that it was deceased and that she would be receiving an F.
HAHAHAHAHAHA<3
Friday Friday Friday-Today:/
Nothing really happened today...more funny moments in the car with Olivia, Amanda, and Erica...LOL. Okay so, we were parked and there was this old lady and I was like "WRINKLY CLIT!" I guess it's not that funny, but oh well...we were all laughing..
I GOT MY GAGA CONCERT TICKETS FOR JULY<3
In gym I was staring off into the distance and I started thinking of how different my mom seems to be now than she was when she was my age. She was wild and crazy, and now she is strict and manner...and other people are so different and for some reason I began to cry. I was like "She is nothing like my mother, he is nothing like him...they're nothing like that" and that's when I realized I am always changing, everyone is...And I am just beginning.
After school, we sang to Taylor Swift and sang really loud.
I HAVE A MEETING WITH A MODELING SCOUT ON TUEDAY.
Bet some of you didn't know I like to model, eh? I've had about 3 meetings with scouts, you know..interviews, one "real" shoot that is in some weird performance art magazine and several jobs and favors for college students as their "models". Yes...I want to model. Sue me.
I think I'm quite good:
They were all taken by college students.
I want to be a different person. Wait, I don't mean that...but I want to be different. I don't want to change who I am but I'd like to perfect it. I want to be artistic and deep, beautiful and handsome and more intelligent and funny. I don't want to be mean and make people cry like I do. I want to be kind and refined. Kids, I want to be who I'm supposed to be. Like I said, my mom changed. People do. I know I'm just beginning, but I want to speed this process. Don't be rash, I'm not striving for perfection. I just want to be who I will ultimately become. I want to be Caylib, not Calib. Yes, I changed the spelling of my name, but only to serve as the beginning, the starting line. I want it show a simple change that alters everything. Calib is the old me, the rude and shy boy who blurts out curse words. I want to simply be....myself. I don't think I've found him yet. He could be at Harvard teaching law, or raising a family with Chris. He could be making love to his wife and pretending it's the ass of the new intern Jeff at the office. I honestly don't know where he is, who he is, or what he does. I know he's me, and that I need to become him. I know I need to be me and I know that I am still hiding it. I want to...unleash the force within. I want to wake up and love myself.
When I speak of all this change, all this growing and such I do not by any means mean that I am becoming someone else. I simply mean that I need to embrace Calib, Caylib..I need to learn what I want. Maybe I want to be that professor or gay father, or maybe I want to be that in the closet husband...I do not know yet, and I don't want to wait forever to find out because once I make the wrong choice, my college major or lifestyle, I cannot erase it. Am I not making sense, am I sounding like a freak?
Basically,
I am soul searching and discovering myself.
And it all starts with that "y" in my name. So simple, and it changes everything, right?
I want to wear Andy Warhol-esque sunglasses indoors. I want to strictly use chop sticks when eating...I want to visit museums and write books. I want to love Chris. I want to love the nature and green things. I want to live, I want to love. I want to live in my motherfucking bubble word.
I want to be myself. Search within. you should to. Are you being yourself? Huh? Are you truly who you WANT to be? Are those jeans you're wearing black because you like it? Or because other people wear them?
BE YOURSELF!
I've never been myself and look where it's fucking gotten me. I have few friends, I've been in every clique and kicked out. I'm depressed and awkward.
please be yourself. I cannot stress that enough.
If college is not for you do not attend.
If you hate Lady Gaga burn your fucking CD.
If you hate pink cut that shirt your sister bought you.
If you want to be goth, be goth.
If you want to take a cooking class do it.
Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, and don't ever be embarrassed. If you're a guy, wear those goddamn stilettos if you want and look better than that bitch from Geography class.
If you want to live in the bubbles like me, do it...and if you don't, pop those sons of bitches.
Here's your shit of the week:
Go blow some bubbles.
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