Whole fucking shit balls, you guys!

It's been awhile. Like, awhile. I had considered not updating this "blog". Like ever. At all. Because, at first, it was for me. To reflect on. I just wanted to get things out there. And then it became for other people, and it felt more like a chore than something I wanted to do. And now it doesn't, so here I am..

These past few weeks have been strange. Honestly, I don't remember where I left you off in my life.

A lots happened though. I'll try my best to go in chronological order. Also, I apologize if none of this comes out entertaining because I tried to note funny things throughout the days to tell you, but I've forgotten them. So...

Chris and I have broken up. I know, I know, you're probably sick of hearing about this. But I'm not going to go all boohoo. He tried to stay with me for a few more weeks, and during those we barely talked cause he was away. And during those days, I got over him. I spent my time just...living. And I realized that Chris was right, it's not the same anymore. I didn't have feelings for him any longer and I knew he didn't have them for me either. So, when we started talking he asked if we could be just friends and I was so relieved, a little...upset just cause. But still, I don't think I could have broken up with him even though I wanted to. We're friends. We get along just fine, I think. When he first dumped me, I cried. But then when it happened the second time it didn't really bother me. I guess I don't need to be miserable because it's over, but just smile that it happened. I love Chris like a good friend. I don't feel for him in the "Hey, honey! kiss kiss!" way but instead in the "Can I borrow five bucks?" "Yeah, dude" way. Get it?

I don't regret anything. That was a really good year for me. Chris gave me tons of confidence and made me realize that I am a great boy and perfectly fine the way I am, you know?

But for the love of God, Chris....Just don't ever go back out with David. You can do so much better than that!

XP

Someone at school apparently told my father that I was gay, and that I am dating a boy named Chris, which is now false. I was freaking out and in tears as he screamed at me over the phone. "You're fucking going to hell, and your mom is too for supporting you, faggot!" Well, she wasn't supporting me. I'm sure she knew deep down (mother's always do) but....Idk. They dropped it. It feels like it never happens. Of course I denied all the allegations. But I know my mom knows I'm gay and that she is fine with it and that she is waiting for me to be comfortable enough with it to tell her myself. As for my dad? Well, I don't think we'll be in communication after my high school years. I wouldn't be able to deal with his abuse.

Cherish has this new boyfriend. I won't say his name, for his....protection? Well, she seems ashamed of him . But in her defense, he's super clingy....already and I think it's been like 2 or 3 days. He's all over her. I feel like I haven't talked to her in forever. I'm jealous in like 4 ways. I'm jealous that I don't get as much attention from Cherish (though I know she doesn't like being all suffocated by him), because Cherish has a boyfriend, because I find him attractive, and because I've had a crush on him since like I met him almost 2 years ago. He's just so funny and weird. I don't know. 

Gabe and I didn't talk for awhile because he said that I was just using him to over Chris, etc. Well, now we are talking. Have been for about a week and a half. So, Thursday morning I missed my bus. Gabe took me to school and we stopped at the park to...park...and he was like "You should just drop out." and I said "No, I'm that much of a low life". And he said "We could run away together, Cayyyyyyyyluuuuuuuuuuuuub." It was really cute, but weird to hear him talk like that cause I thought he was done with me in that way. Anyways, We kept talking. And he was like "You know, Caylib, I find you super cute." And I laughed and he continued with "I really like you" And he kissed me. It felt so weird. By that time, we were outside of the car and I was kicking wet pebbles. It was sorta raining. Yeah, and he gave me my first real kiss ever. It felt weird for like the first second, and then I really liked it. And my face was burning. And then I walked over to the school. And...attended my classes. That night, last night, we went to Long Horn and he kept trying to grab and hold my hand over the table. It was embarrassing cause of the waitress. Also, we went back to his house and watched Avatar and we made out. It felt really weird and gross, but I still really liked it at the same time. And I kept shivering the entire time. It wasn't cold though. Why was I shivering?

Also, he said he loves me.....but he doesn't think we should be in a relationship because he's going away to school in Kansas City (MO) , and he doesn't want me to get upset with that or have to deal with a long distance boyfriend again. This really pisses me off. I have feelings for me, and he's so close but doesn't want to date. I entirely understand, but it's only a few hours away and we could see each-other on weekends. Plus, he start college till the fall. Also, I think he keeps lying about his age or something. Sometimes he's 18, sometimes 19 and now he's turning 20 on June 17th. That's another reason he doesn't want me to date him, caues he says he's more for a real relationship and doesn't want to deal with "high school drama".

This all pisses me off, and I want him so bad...but we'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the City Museum with Olivia and Kandice, and also study. Next week is finals. Hooza! Been singing year books, which is so fun.

I guess my passions are changing. I've really become a new person these past couple of months. Maybe only I notice it. But, I don't need a boy or anyone to tell me I'm pretty or handsome or beautiful or remarkable...because I am..not matter what. I know that, at least. 

Summer's coming and I'm looking so forward to it.

So wait...Gabe makes me shiver when he kisses me. Is that a good thing?

It's over now, No need to run?
It's one year later-my summer's begun.
I wasted my time to make it work,
I guess it was nothing-I only got hurt.
At first I thought I was dying inside,
But how is that possible if I haven't even died?

Lemon Juice highlights and hot sunny beams,
Welcome to summer and new new dreams.
Car windows down, and single hot boys.
I guess I feel like we were just toys.

I'm not in love with you I wonder if I was.
I like talking to you, you know, you know, just cause.
Our relationship ain't broken I guess it will mend...
Cause on the bright-side, I have a new friend.

This poem sounds like it was written for me. I wish I had written it, cause it's oddly convenient.

Anyways, I want green hair this summer.